smalldeer: ([karkat] eyeroll)
bug ([personal profile] smalldeer) wrote2016-02-13 10:55 am
Entry tags:

the scoop

POINT ONE: i am no longer at university. i'm apparently just not compatible with the uni life. i wasn't doing my homework, and when it rolled around to the exam period, i didn't study. so i was failing pretty badly and decided to just accept my losses and quit while i was ahead (or, you know, lagging horrendously behind).

sometimes i wonder if i have some kind of problem with procrastination beyond the normal person level but if i do it no longer matters because, you know, i'm back in a non-academic life where it doesn't matter as much.

POINT TWO: i have a job now! it's a shitty part time job where i work my ass off cleaning a school for 2 hours and i get paid minimum wage. next week is "spring cleaning" apparently so it's gonna be 2 days of 5 hours instead of 5 days of 2 hours, and i guess it's not my business to understand the logic behind that.

the job pays less than i need for rent, even without food expenses, so i really need to get another soon to tide me over until summer when my contract is up. in the meantime i'm still taking commissions, but they seem to mostly come from friends so i sometimes... feel a little bad about that? like, i appreciate that my friends genuinely like my art and that means the world to me, but it'd be cool if strangers found my art and decided they wanted it too. i need to work on drawing consistently enough to seem trustworthy, so that's a goal to work towards once i'm done with the commissions i have right now.

POINT THREE: i'm going back to camp this year for sure. i dunno if i talked about this already but basically it's confirmed, the process is happening, i'll be finding time to head down to the embassy in london to snatch a visa soon, all that jazz. i'm really looking forward to it, more than i was last year - first and foremost because i really, really need the escape.

i need to be somewhere other than this dull country. where there are interesting people who actually have ambitions and dreams and, like, people who actually get my jokes. you might think i'm being overdramatic about my home turf but honestly living here is a massive drag for me. i have some wonderful friends here but they're few and far between, and anyone i've known for a long time has scattered across the country so i never see them any more.

so going back to camp where everyone was hired to be interesting is pretty much, you know, the biggest blessing ever. and of course it'll help me forget about my massive grating failures at university and put that behind me, so, win-win. plus i'm dragging a friend along with me this year! he is a cool dude and i hope he fits in at camp. i have faith in him. :^)

POINT FOUR: kinda going through a sort of early mid-life crisis at age 22. i'll skim the details but it's all centred around how i'm 22 and my accomplishments include: failing university after 2 attempts, can draw but not well enough to make a career out of it, and nothing else. i'm having some trouble sleeping lately because every night i'm pretty much lying awake thinking about how much i've fucked up in this past couple of years.

people telling me they love me/are proud of me for other reasons is... it's a nice thought but it does pretty much nothing for me. it's cool if other people think good things about me but it's important that i'm proud of myself for something, and honestly, there's nothing to be proud of. i want to be successful at something and it's just not going to happen any time soon.

i think about the future a lot and what i want to do for a living and i still have no idea, nor any solid plans, or... anything. the only attractive avenue is working for my summer camp boss full-time somehow, but since camp closes for the rest of the year and he doesn't have a physical location set up for his comic book business, i'm not sure that's a real option. and i certainly don't want to bring it up of my own accord, i mean, he's already done a lot for me that i can't really talk about online, like, just trust me here: the guy really went out on a limb to hire me this year so i don't want to push my luck.

honestly, i'd even settle for a desk job or something, maybe in leeds or london or manchester. if it paid okay then i'd be happy. i just want to be stable and not have to worry about rent and food and bills all the time. my housemate is paying all the bills by herself right now because i can't afford to pitch in and it's killing me to feel useless there as well as everywhere else.

so anyway, my best option seems to be to bide my time here until my house contract expires, move back in with my parents and get a shitty job while i'm not paying rent, save up some cash, and move to a big city where there are actual jobs. it'll mean leaving all my friends behind again but i can do that if it means i can get a foot in the door of some real job somewhere.

tl;dr i'm heinously underqualified and unsuccessful and my only chance is to work my way up from the bottom, but to do that i need to move to a big city, which is my worst nightmare and i always told myself i'd live in the country when i was an adult. my friends are all being successful and showing off their cats/new houses/spouses/big purchases, and i'm a little bitter about that. i'm just not doing so great, in any respect. but i am going back to camp. here's a music video that speaks to me.


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