smalldeer: (Default)
bug ([personal profile] smalldeer) wrote2016-02-21 01:31 pm
Entry tags:

uhhh dot jpg

i'm still living on a prayer rent-wise but for the time being the panic has settled so i'm good re: whining about money. so now i have time to whine about something else. the topic of the day is: how i'll be moving back in with my parents.

i'll try to keep it short because i'm not really all about this topic right now but basically my housing contract expires in june, which is gonna be like, real inconvenient considering camp and everything else. and on top of that i'm not at university here any more and i don't have a good job i care about, so the logical thing to do is just... not stay in this town. it'd be better to go home. i dunno how long for. we'll see. probably at least a year though.

my mother called to tell me she saw an internship thing for graphic design in a window somewhere. it'd be for 1 year and i'd get a qualification out of it but it's based in bridlington so i'd have to commute from my parents' place in scarborough, which is kind of a long way for me but i'm willing to do that for a good opportunity.

the issue arises regarding camp because i'm definitely doing that this year and i'm like halfway through the paperwork and legalities etc so... if i did do this internship it'd have to be next year, so i need to email the guy about that and ask if that's a possibility, since i have no idea if the position would be open again the following year. but at least it's something i guess.

otherwise, finding a job in scarborough that i can actually is gonna be hard. the more i think about how shitty i am at maths the more it occurs to me that if i don't... actually find something i'm good at, and can do professionally, i'm going to be stuck in dead-end jobs as a cleaner for the rest of my life. it's all i can physically/mentally do.

i'm literally not smart enough for bar work or retail or anything else. and it's so tiring to hear "but the till/register does all the maths for you!" yes but it can't count change and hand it to the customer and it can't memorise which drink comes from which tap or how much bargain items cost or where everything's kept or any of that shit. and neither can i. maybe i have some underlying learning difficulty beyond just dyscalculia, who even knows, i'm not about to look for a diagnosis because quite frankly i don't have the time to worry about that now.

tl;dr i'm stupid and people telling me i'm not stupid just pressures me into trying stuff i know i can't do and setting myself up for failure "because you were so clever in school! what happened" haha, dude, i don't know do i?? god.

anyway at least if i'm gonna end up back in scarborough i can hang out with jaye again. she's one of my oldest friends. you'll probably hear more about her some other time, if i ever get around to asking her if i can tell some of her stories online, because honestly her life is a trip and i love her to pieces for it.

sooo yeh maybe i'll never get to live any of my dreams in my whole life if camp never amounts to anything more than a summer job and i can't find some kind of internship. not in the mood to cry about it right now bc i have shit to do as a responsible adult.

wrinkledeer: deer/cat hybrid waving (Default)

[personal profile] wrinkledeer 2016-02-22 07:06 am (UTC)(link)
another good thing about moving back in with your parents is hanging out with ur cat!!

also like. its probably less that you're stupid and more that you're just inexperienced with certain tasks? like, you only worked at the bar for one night and were totally new to it, so of course it went badly. not that you should stick with work that makes you uncomfortable or anything but stuff like that gets easier with time/you find ways to work around the stuff you're bad at so to the casual observe you look like you know what you're doing. tbh i still don't fully know what the heck i'm doing at my main job lmfao

i dont have dyscalculia but i can relate to the trying to work with a learning problem thing. idk how helpful it is or if it makes sense but, i've come to realize that its easier to work with your learning problem than against it? i can't speak about dyscalculia but with ADD at least getting a job where i have multiple things to focus on is far more beneficial to me than a job where i can only do one thing. its hard to keep track of so many things (especially now that i'm gonna be working two jobs) but mentally i'm in a much better place for it, so i'm able to overall function better.

so basically it sounds like to me that you're on the right track with going for jobs that don't really require hardcore math skills instead of forcing it in spite of your learning problem. without having to worry so much about math you'll be able to do better overall

anyway oops its super late i hope this is coherent and also, take this:
wrinkledeer: deer/cat hybrid waving (Default)

[personal profile] wrinkledeer 2016-02-25 06:46 pm (UTC)(link)
yeah, i understand. tbh i'd rather clean than work in a bar/food service related job too. and there's something really calming about cleaning anyways? maybe its like the repetitive motions or whatever

oh speaking of bars