smalldeer: (Default)
bug ([personal profile] smalldeer) wrote2016-02-21 01:31 pm
Entry tags:

uhhh dot jpg

i'm still living on a prayer rent-wise but for the time being the panic has settled so i'm good re: whining about money. so now i have time to whine about something else. the topic of the day is: how i'll be moving back in with my parents.

i'll try to keep it short because i'm not really all about this topic right now but basically my housing contract expires in june, which is gonna be like, real inconvenient considering camp and everything else. and on top of that i'm not at university here any more and i don't have a good job i care about, so the logical thing to do is just... not stay in this town. it'd be better to go home. i dunno how long for. we'll see. probably at least a year though.

my mother called to tell me she saw an internship thing for graphic design in a window somewhere. it'd be for 1 year and i'd get a qualification out of it but it's based in bridlington so i'd have to commute from my parents' place in scarborough, which is kind of a long way for me but i'm willing to do that for a good opportunity.

the issue arises regarding camp because i'm definitely doing that this year and i'm like halfway through the paperwork and legalities etc so... if i did do this internship it'd have to be next year, so i need to email the guy about that and ask if that's a possibility, since i have no idea if the position would be open again the following year. but at least it's something i guess.

otherwise, finding a job in scarborough that i can actually is gonna be hard. the more i think about how shitty i am at maths the more it occurs to me that if i don't... actually find something i'm good at, and can do professionally, i'm going to be stuck in dead-end jobs as a cleaner for the rest of my life. it's all i can physically/mentally do.

i'm literally not smart enough for bar work or retail or anything else. and it's so tiring to hear "but the till/register does all the maths for you!" yes but it can't count change and hand it to the customer and it can't memorise which drink comes from which tap or how much bargain items cost or where everything's kept or any of that shit. and neither can i. maybe i have some underlying learning difficulty beyond just dyscalculia, who even knows, i'm not about to look for a diagnosis because quite frankly i don't have the time to worry about that now.

tl;dr i'm stupid and people telling me i'm not stupid just pressures me into trying stuff i know i can't do and setting myself up for failure "because you were so clever in school! what happened" haha, dude, i don't know do i?? god.

anyway at least if i'm gonna end up back in scarborough i can hang out with jaye again. she's one of my oldest friends. you'll probably hear more about her some other time, if i ever get around to asking her if i can tell some of her stories online, because honestly her life is a trip and i love her to pieces for it.

sooo yeh maybe i'll never get to live any of my dreams in my whole life if camp never amounts to anything more than a summer job and i can't find some kind of internship. not in the mood to cry about it right now bc i have shit to do as a responsible adult.

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