smalldeer: ([zero punctuation] somewhat impressed)
bug ([personal profile] smalldeer) wrote2015-05-19 08:15 pm
Entry tags:

the cupcake debacle

a few days ago, a friend and i decided to bake. i only just got to typing up this post, but rest assured, the danger has indeed passed already, and this post is merely an aftermath. a damage report, if you will.

now, the thing most of you will know about me by now is that i turned vegan a little while ago. (don't worry. it's only a little bit contagious. catching it from me depends largely on how much you care about bees.) so naturally, these cupcakes had to be vegan. the point of making them was that i'd gotten tired of ogling all the cakes in the supermarket and slavering all over people who had things containing more than 1 grain of sugar, and thus i'd decided it was time to put my baking skills to work once again.

i say "once again", because i've definitely tried to bake before. key word: tried.

look at this cake. i don't understand moderation. i'm pretty sure my friends had a hand in this. it tasted and looked amazing but that's not the point here, is it.
what is this? are those supposed to be biscuits? i wouldn't even remember this without the photographic evidence.

alright what the fuck
are you kidding me? ok. listen. apparently we carved up the CAKE  SLAB and formed bricks out of it. don't ask me to relive what they tasted like.

so this time around, i allied myself with my canadian dormmate who claimed she had in fact baked before, we found a couple of vegan recipes on google, and spent about 45 minutes wandering around the mazelike shelves of an Asda supermarket looking for things we hadn't heard of but had been told to hunt down. (we found the apple cider vinegar eventually. a tired-looking employee pulled a bottle out from underneath a shelf and, as he handed it to us, vaguely implied that asda was constructed solely to toy with the mind. i believe him.)

after returning to our dorms and arguing over whether a "cup" could simply be most of a nutella jar, i snapped this picture of the icing we were making. this photograph is a testament to my shame, because i miscalculated how much soy butter i actually had left and while the rest of our creation was vegan, the icing had to make use of regular butter. shame and sadness abound.

pictured: non-vegan cake icing, or Shame Sugar

i didn't get any photographs of the damn things actually baking in the oven, because our oven is a heinous mess of student leavings and i strongly suspect that exposing you all to the sight of the oven door alone would net me several years of community service. but i did take a photo of the first batch of cakes right after they came out.

designer charcoal giveaway at welsh student dorms!
this brave man tried some, and he's DEAD

okay, listen. no one's perfect. i need you to understand, there are things i'm good at, and there are things i'm not good at. judging how long you're supposed to leave cupcakes in an oven is not one of the things i'm great at. you could call this a failure. but are our mistakes not the spice of our lives? how are we to learn, when mistakes don't get made? i bring you this wisdom from the bottom of my heart, and-

look, i can't bake to save my life. but we did have a shitload of cupcake batter. so we made more. and these turned out WAY better.


okay listen. LISTEN. come back. please. we decorated them. look. don't these look so much better? look, please.

dormmate: these sprinkles are cute! get these!
me: i can't believe we're fucking bronies

so anyway. the cupcake debacle happened. and for the record, they tasted great. my dormmate says we put too much baking powder in, which i can probably attribute to me accidentally spilling a bunch when she wasn't looking. but they did taste good. i enjoyed them. my dormmates have been eating them, and no one has died yet. at least, there's nothing anyone can prove.

hell yeah!
look at these!

oh, and as a journal bonus today, here's a video of us throwing the Failure Cupcakes around doing real science, with many lessons learned.

i'm leaving this entry public, because i want this to be the shining example of who i am when people come looking. you're all welcome for what took place here. and don't ask me to bake for your weddings or reunions.

thank you.

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